Look, every year this happens, right? Halloween gets everyone a little paranoid, they see things that aren't there, someone thinks their neighbor's decorations are actual ghosts or werepossums or that their burger is haunted— leading to mountains of paperwork and overtime for us here.

We send task forces on literal graveyard shifts in case that dancing necromancer shows up again, even! But believe me when I tell you this year is different— we've got a full moon on Halloween itself. Remember what happened last time, Bin? The return of the moomy and their curse on all the world's beef? We had to convince the world's authorities to tell the public it was salmonella and they somehow bought it! This affected the world, Bin, so when I tell you to pay attention and keep everyone on their toes I mean it.

I hear you I hear you— you'll remember my brother choked to death on one of those haunted beef patties. I'm well aware of the potential issues here. But, hear me out, we cannot afford the overtime pay this year. It'll be fine! We'll bet on it, alright? Five grand says all we'll get are the same little cults we get every year pining for their god's favor and failing. The moomy was an outlier— we'll be fine! We have to be, or we're bankrupt.

I can't access the log of Task Force Clown Shoes— some jack put a password on it! We haven't heard from them in hours— they should have returned by now. I think the cult's got some sort of mind control...thing going on— look around you, haven't you noticed anyone acting odd? Beyond the kidnappings— personnel are talking about dead ends, loops, and rituals? Some real freaky smiles, too? Zira from down the hall asked me out? The water tastes a little funny? It's all connected somehow, we need to tell someone before things get out of hand!

It's ok, everything's fine. You're just seeing things— Halloween gets everyone riled up. Besides, Zira's been into you since you got here— it's really nothing supernatural. Maybe take a few days of sick leave? You deserve it!

To all uncompromised personnel:

Operation Vampire Suburbia has begun— since some people are apparently on the wrong side here— we need those of you who are still with us to send any reports relevant to the current crisis to Dr. CantBeHypnotized. You'll find the form for doing so here. [LINK REMOVED]

Turns out the Aggie's red A protects against their hypnosis, so...go grab their limited time Spicy Spooky Burgers— now available for $5.99!

He's in our system now, and we don't know how many personnel are under his spell. It's time to activate the Butterscotch Protocol. All ACF personnel are given a mental trigger during their initial training— one that should release any hypnotic holds upon their minds...and make them crave the taste of the new Agnew Sr.'s value menu starting at $1.99.

Communications have been sabotaged at this point, so we need all personnel still with us to repeat this phrase to anyone else they can find: nuclear butterscotch. In person. In emails. In social media comments. I repeat: nuclear butterscotch. We don't have a lot of time left to stop them.

Thanks to all of your efforts, Cul De Sacula and the Cult De Sac were sabotaged by recovered personnel through the power of friendship! Just kidding, as he was unaware of current events, Cul De Sacula caught COVID— which apparently nullifies magic— including the ritual. To be safe, we've added a few roads at the ends of various cul de sacs to break their connect the dot puzzle. Don't worry, so long as most of you exclusively eat at Agnew Sr.s for the next 3 months we won't go under!

Unfortunately, we were unable to locate Cul De Sacula's castle, or apprehend him, the clever son of a gun made it look like any other suburban cookie cutter home...or it was never a castle to begin with. Vampires have to live in castles, though right? So it's definitely clever magic at play. Anyway, take the day off, you earned it— and we can't afford to pay you this week.