Do any of you know who installed that hideous new water cooler...cauldron...water cooldron...thing in HQ's lobby? And, more importantly, how much it cost us? That thing looks seriously out of our budget for this quarter, I tried to pick it up when I walked by this morning and it must have weighed a thousand pounds! The blasted thing must be made of actual cast iron! Imagine the costs for shipping alone!

I'd love to “talk” to whoever decided it was a good idea. And by “talk,” I mean my fists.

You'd love to “my fists” to whoever installed it, Bin?

If it's eating into our budget, yes! I don't care how, figure out who's responsible and how much they wasted on this. It's a preposterously heavy water cooler with a FOG MACHINE in it, why would anyone make that?! It's flooding the lobby with an eerie green mist! I almost thought we were being haunted by that garish gamer ghost again!

This is a message to all ACF HQ personnel regarding the new (tacky) water fountain in the lobby: do not drink from that thing! We don't know where it came from, and more importantly— today I walked past a trio of personnel wasting time by talking around it! Get back to work!

According to our security footage, the thing simply appeared out of thin air— which can only mean one thing; whoever's responsible is now getting double fired whenever we catch them! I'll fire them, hire them back, and then fire them again! If anyone can find the clown that did this, I will consider giving you a bonus. Maybe. Depends.

Bin, have you tried the water from it, though? I've not had a lick of anything else all day!

Alright. No one's fessing up. There's a line behind the water cooldron, despite the last email telling everyone not to drink from it! Drastic action is needed:

I want you to fish out the culprit however you can. It could be anyone, your friends, your family— hell, even your dog! We've all seen stranger, here. Try and get them to fess up, email them, message them, call them out publicly— I don't care how you do it, I just want them found!

This should just be between us, management won't find this email— I've buried it between my usual IT correspondence and cat videos. Why don't they want us drinking that delicious, cool, refreshing water? Because it's the best in this godforsaken floating office, and they want it all to themselves! This stuff tastes like god.

It makes me feel so refreshed that I could work straight 24 hour shifts without even sleeping— I just need a cup. Another sip. Don't they understand?!

Have you had a taste? You should try it. It's better than coffee— yes, I said it. It's better than coffee! I've never felt more awake! Was I even awake before I had The Water?

I've stashed paper cups in the potted plants. Take one, hold it close, for it is your ticket to one of this world's greatest treasures, to slake your thirst! We're all so thirsty, and we can use our collective power to fill our tiny, tiny cups— together!

They can't stop all of us.

Attachment: aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cueW91dHViZS5jb20vd2F0Y2g/dj1neTVNcDBmdU9WYw==

Sorry I don't know what happened there. I tried to share a base visual guide for drinking The Water but it must've gotten corrupted 64 ways to Sunday. It's not important anyway, don't worry about it.

I told my awesome Sandwich Joke— you know the one— by that new water cooler at lunch today. Big crowd. Perfect for the Sandwich Joke. Sure to be a real ryeot. You wanna know how many people laughed?

None. Glassy stares. One guy actually said “humor is unproductive and so are sandwiches” and then pounded one of those tiny paper cups full of water like it was a beer. Crushed it against his forehead and everything. Real sourdough. Non-starter. Bread.

I tried telling the Sandwich Joke 2, instead. Still nothing. Not even a smirk. I just showed up to tell my joke, get my daily validation, I wasn't even thirsty! People I know love that joke didn't even reply, they all just walked past me, drank the water, and left. It's been quieter lately, too. People aren't talking. They're skipping their lunch breaks— did you know that the food court has been nearly empty all week? It's like everyone suddenly decided they liked working.

There's only one explanation— the water from this thing is mind controlling them. Making them hate my jokes— while also making them the world's lamest, most productive workers.

Whoah whoah what?! It's making everyone more productive?! Hold on now, son, maybe this is a good thing. A blessing in disguise. I'm going to have the markcounting department monitor this— if it makes us more money than we lost on that water cooldron...well, then we'd have nothing to worry about, would we?

I'll send an email to the rest of the executive department to avoid drinking the water, still. You too, Ekaj.

I'm happy to report that productivity's never been higher! We've sorted twice as many anomaly cases as usual this week! Keep up the good work, everyone— and make sure to treat yourself to some water from the new fountain in the lobby!

The other good news is that no one misappropriated funds to buy it! It's an anomaly! One that, kindly, delivered itself to us all on its own! We'll consider it contained, this way— what harm could it do? If it tries anything funny, we'll have it locked down faster than it can...however it moves.

Idiot just walked itself right into the lion's den. The manhunt's off, no one's getting fired!

Good for you but not for me. This is my worst performing week on record— no one's laughing at my jokes anymore!

This isn't right, dad, and you know it. I mean, the joke thing but also the whole letting a magic water cooler mind control your employees thing.

Manhunt's back on everyone— someone's spiked the cooldron, with...milk. It's just full of watery milk! No more delicious water. Someone tried to empty it out but it's just...an endless supply of milk water now. No other anomalous effects, no more productivity, even the smoke's gone. It's just an ugly waste of space! I'll have to get Containment personnel to cart this disgusting thing off by the end of the day.

Productivity's already gone down by half today. Hope whoever's responsible is happy.

More like mooldron, ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy