Written 2021/12
This is Chester Cheepe, speaking not just for Cheepe Co., but as a friend— we've come across an issue that we'll need your assistance with. The town of Snowy Shores, an idyllic, sleepy little place that just happens to be perfectly located (and priced) for a new factory. Trouble is, the land we've purchased to construct this is presently occupied by living Christmas trees, who are none too pleased about our arrival.
My predecessors would have snapped them with their bare hands, but I lack both their absurd upper-body strength and bloodlust. Rather, I prefer to handle these sorts of things diplomatically— or by getting someone else to do the fighting for me. I would like to defer the choice as to how to handle this to you and your foundation, as this is your area of expertise.
Alright, Mr. Cheepe has called in a favor— a bunch of living Christmas trees are causing trouble for him and his company as they try to build a new factory. They make most of our supplies so we are very much invested in helping them— so we're going to step in here. Ok, well, we're not physically stepping in— god no that's too expensive right now— so we're getting creative! We're going to convince the townsfolk to get rid of the trees for us.
All personnel available, please file a complaint about the trees to the city council below— look, I know you haven't seen the trees either, so just make something up. Claim they ate your baby, demolished your home, or the bane of every middle-class town— lightly vandalized something. It'll take care of itself, and we'll get to enjoy the holiday in peace without so much as a dollar lost!
Due to a flood of recent complaints in regards to our local flora, namely the living Christmas trees, we have decided to take action. No longer will they carol late into the night, disregarding our noise ordinance, nor will they block our views, disrupt our sleep, devalue our property, or run amok without so much as a single bauble hung upon their branches. This morning, we have sent out an organized mob containing our humble police force, homeowner's association, and concerned citizens, to deal with the situation. However they decide to handle the trees, and I cannot stress this enough, isn't our fault.
You killed them all. My mother. My father. My brothers and sisters, even my racist uncle (yes trees can be racist). Their ashes covering me, hiding me— protecting me. They tasted awful. I alone remain, and I will not forget. Bark my words— you will regret this, Snowy Shores. Anyone responsible for their deaths will be held accountable.
The mission was a success! The trees are gone and the factory can begin construction! Our sponsor says they've revoked the holiday for their employees and are starting today, in fact! Alongside this, we're getting news of a mass murderer in Snowy Shores, people are being strung up like morbid Christmas trees. It probably has nothing to do with us, just a coincidence. That's their problem, now. Good work everyone, enjoy the holiday!