The Adlands
Written 2021/7/13
It's adsolutely incredible!
The Adlands! A beautiful stretch of the Southwest, once used to conduct nuclear advertising tests— and now, perfectly safe and fun for the whole family!
Ad Space
See all of the world's advertisements in their natural* habitat! Ever since an alliance of advertising researchers took to the New Mexico badlands to conduct highly experimental nuclear advertising tests— the land has been transformed! Rocks are now plastered with photos, sand with slogans, hoodoos are shaped like logos, and the wind carries a jingle! Everywhere you look, down to the smallest grain of sand, you will find an ad! Here, in the Adlands, you can witness the true beauty of advertising!
*Legally we must clarify that “natural” in this context simply means “current.”
I saw one of our ads in your park last week— what do you mean we have to pay for them to show up?
No, no, that was paid for by one of your kind supporters! These things don't just magically appear, someone has to pay! Now, I'll send you the paperwork and we can talk about price, after you sign.
Ad-venture
Take a hike! (Around the Adlands) With three distinct trails of varying difficulty, anyone is able to enjoy what the Adlands have to offer! Our first, and easiest, trail will take you on a scenic thirty-minute hike to the beautiful Aggie's Hoodoo— which is shaped like the iconic brand's golden arch!
Our intermediate trail will take you on a two-hour hike through Jingle Canyon— where you can hear the wind carrying myriad commercial jingles at any time of day! Those who carry on through the entire hike will be able to witness pop-ups— which will periodically impede their progress! Fun! Our third and most difficult trail will take you as close to ground zero as safely possible— where you can see real video ads playing by themselves across the landscape, as other ads begin to mix and blend together!
Ignore any and all ads pointing towards a fourth trail— there is no such thing.
While exploring, keep an eye out for the Adlands' sole inhabitants— adeaters! These strange creatures are the only living things (besides guests) to be found in the Adlands— and can be found nowhere else in the world!
Safety
Unless you wish to find your intestines lined with infomercials— please avoid eating anything found on the premises. Despite the advertisements, we do not, in fact, serve food on site. Visitors are only allowed to stay on site for a maximum of five hours. This is simply so that we can keep things moving, and not because of any potential harm from prolonged exposure to nuclear advertising.
If an ad appears to have a “skip” or “close” button on it— do not touch the button. And please, ignore any and all ads pointing towards a fourth trail— we cannot stress this enough, there is no fourth trail.
Eat Sale!
Come on up to Eamsoman & Co. Sr's! With us you can eat cheap flights across your stay!
Not tired? No worries! Our products come in a variety of mouthwatering ingredients, including blenders for the whole family!
Directions
You'll find us along Ad Rd. We're open 24/7!
Viability Report
Number of Incidents: 53
Threat Level: Rust
This location is incredibly dangerous, and should be closely monitored for any signs of growth. However, I am well aware of its incredible profitability— which is enough that it offsets the risk that the site poses— for now.Logs for A-399
Experiment #399-16
Date: 2006/8/23
Head researcher: Dr. Klein R.
Subject: LemmingDescription: Subject was told to remain on site for a period of six hours, to be retrieved and interviewed by researchers for any changes afterwards.
Result: Subject will not stop attempting to sell personnel a brand of toothpaste that does not exist.
Notes: Very annoying.
Experiment #399-23
Date: 2006/10/6
Head researcher: Dr. Klein R.
Subject: LemmingDescription: Subject was told to remain on site for a period of eight hours, to be retrieved and interviewed by researchers for any changes afterwards.
Result: Subject unable to speak coherently, only speaks in advertising slogans and jingles.
Experiment #399-25
Date: 2006/10/15
Head researcher: Dr. Klein R.
Subject: LemmingDescription: Subject was told to remain on site for a period of twelve hours, to be retrieved and interviewed by researchers for any changes afterwards.
Result: Subject's skin displays video advertisements, and they are only able to speak in a nonsensical slurry of advertising slogans and pitches. Subject aggresively attempts to convince any who will listen to buy something— attacking anyone who does not do so within fifteen minutes. As no one can understand their speech, this means that the subject attacks everyone they interact with.
Incident #399-12
Date: 2011/3/15
Location: Ground Zero
Civilians involved: Man 1, Man 2, Woman 1, Child 1A civilian family, having found an advertisement claiming to point to a fourth trail, decided to take the route directly to ground zero— accidentally leaving behind Woman 1 in the process. Woman 1 reported them missing to park personnel after three hours, spurring personnel to begin searching for them. Only Child 1 could be found, four hours later, speaking to themselves in slogans. Two large video advertisements could be spotted in ground zero by air, and it is assumed that these are the remains of Man 1 and 2.
Woman 1 sued the park, but settled out of court after personnel disguised as medical professionals offered to perform a “cutting edge medical procedure” on Child 1, on behalf of the park. Child 1 was safely returned to Woman 1 three days later, after visiting A-████
Note: This is the fifth incident involving a supposed fourth trail, leading to ground zero. It is advised to inform visitors to avoid any such advertisements.
-End Logs-
Viability: Questionable
It is in my opinion that this attraction continue running, with stricter safety precautions.